TW: Suicidal Ideation
The past month has been a fucking roller coaster. I decided to be an entrepreneur, and had no idea what to talk to people about. I went through at least 3 half-baked ideas with full Facebook makeovers and everything before I really found my calling. Not that what I’m doing is a brand new thing for me, but I’d never thought I’d turn my passion into a paying, sustainable job. I’m a magic and mindset mentor, helping entrepreneurial women cope and heal through trauma and mental illness using crystals, tarot, meditation, and mindset work.
A month ago, I was working in Corporate America while scribbling furiously in my Moleskines with business and content ideas for my business. I wasn’t going to leave my day job until I had enough business with my online gig to replace my full time income. That definitely did not happen.
Two weeks later, I was having issues with my own mental health. I had a depressive flare, and nothing I could do was helping. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I felt so heavy, and all I could do was sob. I asked my job four times in one week for an unpaid leave of absence. I was spending hours crying in the bathroom stall, and spending my lunch breaks crying in my car. Day after day, I felt like more and more of my soul was being sucked out by meaningless work for people who don’t care.
It was the week of my birthday. Monday and Tuesday I asked for an unpaid leave twice each day. Wednesday was my birthday. I made up an excuse to leave early. The next day, I woke up and was in a very, very dark place. I was looking up how many of a certain pill I needed to take for lethal results. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up if this was the life I had to live.
I knew that if I stayed at that job with the mindset I had, I’d send up going through with it. I didn’t go into work that day. I paid a coach. I got serious about my business. I wasn’t really sure if I was quitting, I just knew that I was getting serious about my business and definitely not going into my job today.
I haven’t been very public on my personal facebook page about quitting my corporate job, and I still get messages once in a while asking where I am. I ended up not going back to work. I never officially quit my job, but I definitely quit my job.
My son goes to Kindergarten and hasn’t really noticed much that’s different, other than I’m picking him up and dropping him off at the bus stop for Kindergarten. Today, he had the day off school. He asked me why I wasn’t leaving, and I told him I work from home now. His face was priceless. I hadn’t even thought about how this decision would affect him, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own little world.
His hazel eyes lit up and he had a big grin on his face. He said, “SO YOU GET TO BE HERE ALL DAY WITH ME?!” I said that’s right! I snapped a picture of us right after for the memory books. I’m currently writing this at McDonald’s (free WiFi, playground, and they have sustenance) while my kiddo is playing on the playground.
I’ve said this a million times before, and I’ll say it a million more times. The future looks insanely bright and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds.